How to speak to a woman…

Posted on August 28, 2011 by


… if you must

It’s over. You have again managed to avoid it for as long as you possibly can, but there comes a time in every marriage where you have to take the plunge, gird yourself, raise your shields and… speak to your wife.

I know you are intimidated, but let me help you out a bit. It’s actually all very simple, if you know the right way to speak to a woman. There are a few simple rules to follow, and as long as you adhere to them, things will generally go smoothly.

(Caveat: Of course, if she has PMS, menopause, or some other weird female-stuff, then I have to question your sanity. In such a situation, it might be better to simply lock her in the basement and occasionally throw a plate of food down the stairs. There’s fresh water available in the laundry room, so nobody can accuse you of being overly cruel.)

Joking aside, here are my:

Top Ten Rules for Talking with Your Wife

Rule #1: Act like you own the place. Because you do.

  • Don’t let your wife boss you around. Ever. She should talk to you like she talks to her boss. Please, thank you, may I?, etc. If she has a request, then she should speak calmly and politely, or you should refuse the request on principle.
  • Do you nag your boss? Probably not. So why do you put up with that stuff from your wife? In your house, you are the boss.

Rule #2: Assume she thinks you’re hot.

  • Women like it when guys are a bit arrogant (read: self-confident), especially when it comes to sexual innuendo.
  • So if you get in a fight and she says something really rude like, “Screw you!”, then don’t angry at the disrespect. Just give her a mocking grin and say, “You wish.” She may not have before, but she will after.
  • If she says, “You are such a jerk!” then reply, “Yeah, I know you want me.” Then try to kiss her. If she pushes you away just grin and say, “You’re such a tease.”
  • If she tries to catch you with a “Does my butt look big in this?” or “Do I look fat in this dress?” trap, ignore her question and say, “Trying to get my attention again, are you? Why don’t you turn around again? Real slowly this time, so I can get a better look.”
  • In short: treat her like a sex object. She’ll like that because she often feels fat and frumpy, so she’ll appreciate that you remember that her body is still for something other than pushing out babies and cleaning toilets.

Rule #3: Diffuse with cocky humor.

  • Continuing with the point above, women like a funny-cocky attitude. All women like it; they can’t help it. It projects intelligence, easy self-confidence, and reminds them that he doesn’t take them seriously. That puts them in a subordinate position, where they belong, which turns them on.
  • Some women claim not to like it, and say they just want a “nice guy”, but some people are liars.
  • Don’t overdo it and be too aggressive or insulting. Rather, focus on being sly and clever. You are trying to tease her, not anger her.
  • For instance, if she sits down next to you on the couch and starts complaining about the TV show you are watching, don’t get into a discussion with her (it’s pointless). Just turn to stare at her blankly and say, “Why are you out of the kitchen? Are you lost?”
  • If she offers her unsolicited opinon about why you should change your mind on a major decision you have just made, don’t get into a discussion with her (again, it’s pointless). Just say, “Thanks for your advice, but I don’t keep you around for your brains.” (That might make her giggle because of the hidden compliment about what you do keep her around for.)
  • That sort of thing. The goal is to make her giggle, sigh and roll her eyes, or otherwise admit defeat and submission. And to shut her up, of course.

Rule #4: When having sex, just do whatever.

  • Don’t ask your wife what you should do in bed, or let her order you around. That is so disgustingly supplicating that bile will rise up in her throat within 4.3 seconds. Just do whatever you like, as long as it isn’t abusive or immoral.
  • Note her reactions and please her if you want. If you don’t want to, then don’t. You bring her the greatest satisfaction by making her feel sexy and desirable. So, if you want to please her, then act enthusiastic and tell her how hot she is.
  • Don’t ask her if it was “good for her”. That comes off as pleadingly creepy. If it wasn’t good, then she’ll have to lie or say “no”, which is sort of embarrassing. Besides, can’t you tell?

Rule #5: Don’t expect logic

  • It’s not true that women are illogical. Women are perfectly capable of logical thinking, if they have been trained to do so. The difference is that women don’t care about logic.
  • When men argue, they are trying to find out who is right. In other words, the man with the most logic and knowledge will usually win, proving he’s the smartest.
  • When women argue, they want to win at all costs. They don’t care about finding out the answer, they just want to end up on top. Logic is just one of many tools they use to win, and it will be immediately discarded if they think it isn’t working for them.

Rule #6: Insanity on tap

  • Once they discard logic, it’s a short path to hysterics. That’s because blaming, shaming, crying, screaming, or otherwise acting like a freak is something that men find really intimidating, so it’s an easy way to win any argument and get negative attention.
  • Another thing that they’ll resort to is deflection. In other words, they’ll bring up completely unrelated stuff and claim that it is pertinent to the argument. They’ll remind you of something you said the week before, or the time she caught you checking out a cute waitress, or whatever. She does this because she knows it will confuse you and help her win the argument. Don’t bite. Tell her to stay on-topic or be silent.

Rule #7: Keep your cool

  • Don’t allow her to get to you. Keep your cool, and end any discussion if she refuses to calm down. Walk away if you need to, to emphasize that you’re not going to put up with her craziness. There’s no point in talking to someone who’s become completely irrational.
  • Realize that women value attention more than anything else. If she feels like she isn’t getting enough positive attention from you (and what woman is?), then she’ll resort to picking fights with you.
  • That’s why she does that, in case you were wondering. In other words, the fight usually isn’t about the fight. It’s about attention, attention, attention. Women are like The Attention Monster, and their appetite for attention is insatiable. They want attention as much as men want sex, and they have no refractory period. Scary, I know.

Rule #8: Don’t mince your words

  • Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t skirt the issue, use euphemisms, or politically-correct speech. That makes you look wimpy and girly.
  • If you want her to change something, then tell her explicitly. Don’t worry too much about hurting her feelings. If you think she needs to lose weight, then say, “You need to lose weight.” If you think she was rude to your friend say, “You were rude to my friend. Don’t talk to him like that.” She’ll get over it.

Rule #9: Be cheap with compliments

  • Don’t compliment her too often on her appearance, talents, cooking skills, etc. Keep them rare and they’ll mean something. Otherwise, you just come off slimy.
  • Don’t constantly tell her that you love her. If you do it too often, she’ll start to wonder if you aren’t sure yourself. Obviously you love her, you married her. Duh.

Rule #10: Don’t always assume the worst

  • If she approaches you calmly about a subject that is important to her, then take her very seriously. Put down whatever you are reading or watching, and give her your undivided attention. Nod at the appropriate times, add a bit of commentary, and listen.
  • Sometimes she’s not crazy, looking for attention, or “up to something”. Sometimes she really does just want to talk.
Posted in: Relationships