Selecting a Spouse

Posted on September 16, 2011 by


For most people, the selection of a spouse from the current crop is the most important purchase of their life. Because of the enormity of this decision, and the suffering that ensues from a bad product, it is best to be shrewd and careful when examining the wares in the marriage market. There are all sorts of shoddy mates on display that — while perhaps pleasing in appearance, or charming in demeanor — soon show their inner imperfection.

Unlike electronics, mates do not come with a guarantee or return policy, so I’m sure that we can all agree that caution and prudence are called for. To help you make this most important decision, I’ve drawn up a list of:

Five Things to Look for When Selecting a Spouse

  1. Beauty. Obviously, the most important thing to look for when selecting a spouse is physical attractiveness, as it will be our duty to look at them and mate with them. Facial symmetry, flawless skin, ideal weight and waist-hip-ratio, good muscle tone, and an appropriate height (wives should be at least 3″ shorter) are all a must for a successful marriage. That perfect health is also required, goes without saying.
  2. Sanity. Since we are all perfectly sane, it is very reasonable for us to expect the same in a spouse. Even tempers and nothing but mild displays of emotion are preferred. Anyone with a history of jealousy, anger, or even — God forbid — sadness, should be avoided. This is imperative! If they will not admit to their past emoting, you might want to dig around a bit in their history. Divorce, death of a close friend or relative,  chronic unpopularity, a police record, serious illness, and being a victim of abuse or rape are obviously all reasons to eliminate this person from your selection.
  3. Sexual experience. Sweet sixteen and never been kissed is ideal for women, mature 25 and two LTR involving fornication is ideal for men. No previous marriages or illegitimate children are allowed, of course. Those are automatic disqualifiers.
    Some say that the best place to find such women is among the Amish, but I’ve heard that their women are secretly quite sluttish, so it might be best to select a wife in the toddler years and then raise her yourself in captivity, so that she can reach the wedding night unblemished. You wouldn’t want to be the fool who ends up buying a used product.
    The best place to find such men is, of course, among the more handsome STEM grad students. They are attractive enough to meet Criteria #1, whilst remaining nerdy and antisocial enough to have not “gotten around” much. Avoid any man with a law degree as if he has the plague. Virgin men are also to be avoided as there must be something wrong with him if he hasn’t managed to get laid yet.
  4. Wealth and education. Some think this is immaterial for potential wives, but I strongly disagree! There are inherent advantages to marrying a woman of means and knowledge, especially the fact that assortative mating has been statistically proven to lead to happier marriages. Generally, the woman should be from the same socio-economic class as her husband, but have a less prestigious career, a lower income, and a lower IQ. This means, of course, that the most talented, wealthy, and intelligent men in each class are the most eligible, and the opposite applies to women.
  5. Age. Women should be younger than men, preferably by at least 5 years. There are no exceptions to this rule unless you are a loser. Obviously.

There are other aspects of spousal selection that are not mentioned in this list, but these are obviously the five most important. Things like love, religious devotion, character, and personal compatibility are mere afterthoughts, as they will count for little to your later happiness together.

Happy shopping!

Posted in: Relationships