I’d just like to make a little run-down of the farcical news of the week:
- It’s official Praise Someone for Not Being a Murderer Week. Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again. The time when we’re all called out to sing the praises of the women we’ve bribed into not killing their own offspring.
Next week we celebrate Hug Him for Not Being a Rapist Week. Have a neighbor who likes to masturbate while peeking through your bedroom window? Did your coworker follow you back to your hotel room and then decide against using the spare key he pinched from your purse? Go give him a hug for restraining himself! It could, after all, always be worse, and you don’t want to discourage him from continuing down his virtuous path. Even better, have sex with him! It’d be an act of mercy and a great way to show your appreciation for the hard choices he has to make in life.
- President Obama gave a rousing speech about women in combat, in which he says, “Today, every American can be proud that our military will grow even stronger with our mothers, wives, sisters and daughters playing a greater role in protecting this country we love.” That is an actual quote. Yes, he said that. That is all.
- And today, we learn that Title IX sucks even more than we even realized. It’s going to be interesting to find out how much suckier this can get, but it does prove — once and for all — that some of us are just a bit more equal than others.