It’s You, Not Him, It’s Not You, It’s Him…

Posted on April 19, 2013 by


I want to help a few ladies out here and I don’t have the time nor am I inclined to obfuscate. I’d rather just get to the point. I’ll keep it short and sweet.

After a dialogue at Sunshine Mary’s blog I thought it might be a good idea to discuss marital intimacy in the wake of pregnancies, aging, and/or weight gain. Conventional wisdom seems to dictate that all of  these things sound the death knell for sex in most marriages.

Because I am not familiar with this precipitous drop in a husband’s sexual interest that supposedly takes place when a wife is no longer a bouncing bride of 22, I wanted to see if we can get to the root of the problem, and help some of you fix it. 

I’ve heard from and read the comments of many women, who after having children or gaining a bit of weight, project their physical insecurity and embarrassment onto their husbands, begin to hide themselves, and limit sex. That is the worst thing you can do. Firstly, women are far less forgiving of our physical flaws than our husbands are. Secondly, if I can use my own marriage as an indicator, the more you continue to enthusiastically and regularly have sex with your husband, the more attractive you are to him, even if that doesn’t seem rational to you.

After delivering our first child nearly 19 years ago, I weighed almost 200 pounds. Things between my husband and I kept up as normal. So much so that before the first child saw her first birthday, I’d delivered twins. After their delivery, I tipped the scales at 220 pounds. Yes, you read that right. Thankfully the combination of my youth and extreme discipline helped me to get back to my ideal weight within 9 months. Still never, during all that time, did my husband stop pursuing me sexually nor rebuff my sexual advances towards him.

No matter how bad you think you look, you’ll never look as bad to him as you will if he is not having sex with you and there’s no reason why you can’t. You’ll just start a vicious cycle that will make your sex life worse off than you could ever imagine. Your “headaches”, shutting the lights off, turning away his advances and other attempts to hide your imperfection will pay off.  He’ll adapt and learn to live without it. Right now, it’s you. After a while, it’ll be him.

Be sensitive to any physical, emotional, or career stressors that may be affecting your husband. A loving marriage is about far more than sex and there are plenty of other ways that your husband might express love to you during times of stress that hinder regular intimacy.  Be supportive and focus on something besides your desires. It makes a difference.

Make every reasonable effort to take the best possible care of yourself. Showing that you care about being appealing to your husband pays huge dividends. It shows respect for him, and that’s attractive even if you never get back down to the size 4 that you were on your wedding day. Dress nicely, fix your hair, put on some lip gloss. These are things you can do no matter your age or dress size.

Ignore the tabloids, the magazine articles, the blogs, the propaganda that says your husband won’t want you once you’re of  a certain age. Perhaps I am not yet old enough to know what I’m talking about (I’m 41 by the way), but I’ve learned to take my cues from my own husband, who is still very much into me. I’d advise you to do the same and take your cues from your own husband. Does it really matter if someone who has never even seen you before deems you unattractive based on arbitrary statistics? Get a grip already.

Assuming your naked body is the only naked body your husband has been gazing at, he’ll like you just fine.

Posted in: Relationships