A chastity taxonomy

Posted on May 1, 2013 by

Today I’d like to talk about virgins, sluts, and everything in-between. (Just kidding, obviously there’s nothing in-between.) There’s a lot of discussion of these things on the interwebs, so I feel like we need a taxonomy to know precisely what we’re talking about in each case.

I’m just going to throw these out there, based solely upon my own perceptions and observations, and give you a chance to whine about them in the comment thread.

  • Sluts. This means whatever men think it means. Not even going to bother trying to describe this.
  • Vestal virgin. These are women who are born virgins and die virgins, even if they get married. Don’t marry these women obviously, or we’ll have to make you a canonized saint (like Joseph) because you will spend every night helping her take her aspirin and go to bed early.
  • 30-second virgins. These are the women from the Sunday Morning Disco that internet sleazeballs like to brag about banging. They don’t really care about chastity, but they are so picky and selfish that it takes them a freaking long time to get laid. They’re just saving themselves for the right playa. Marry these women if it’s more important for you to be the first than to be the last.
  • Born-again virgins. These are silly and delusion and don’t understand what “is” is. Why are you dating this chick again? Find someone adult enough to at least own up to her mistakes.
  • Chastity cheerleaders. Often confused with born-again virgins, these women realize that they’re not actually a virgin (duh), but they’re on fire with the Holy Spirit now and getting them into bed is so hard that you’ll find yourself clawing your eyes out in frustration. This dichotomy enrages a lot of guys, who feel like “once you pop, you can’t stop”, but these women don’t care because… well… next!
  • Weirdo virgins. These are the chicks too unattractive, sheltered, or just downright strange to get it on. There are some good marital picks in there, but you’ll be hard-pressed to find one because her daddy never lets her out of the house and he owns an extensive gun collection. Or she comes from some weirdo family/background that most men just don’t want to have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
  • Captain chastity. These are the women chastity-minded men are actually searching for. They’re the captains of the chastity cheerleading team because they never screwed up. There are about… oh… 13 of them in the United States over the age of 25, so don’t give up hope yet, if you didn’t manage to snag one in school!