Murder according to protocol

Posted on May 14, 2013 by

Everyone’s probably wondering why someone as fanatically pro-life as I am has yet to comment on the Gosnell case. Well, let me solve that little riddle: I don’t think there’s anything remarkable about Dr. Gosnell. In fact, I’m only discussing him today in order to clarify for all of you how completely unremarkable he is.

People are horrified by what went on in his “house of horrors”, not because it’s rare to murder babies, but because it’s rare to murder babies so incompetently. At least, if you’re going to kill some infants, do it according to protocol.

I’m from a country where we always murder people very neatly. We have all of our papers and licenses in order, we follow the letter of the law, we make sure there’s no mess, and clean-up is handled in a very professional manner. We are, in fact, world-renowned for it. I know that Americans think they do everything better, but they could really learn from us in this regard. The sort of sloppiness that went on in Dr. Gosnell’s clinic is inexcusable.

If you’re going to go around killing people, do it right, for goodness sake. This is something that Americans need to take more seriously, seeing as how — just like Europe — they’re facing a huge imbalance in the retirement and health systems. First there were too many babies (we already took care of that), but now — how surprising! — there are too many old people. I would suggest that we all take a page from another expert-killer nation, and train our elderly to follow the Kamikaze Retiree Procedure.

Get your stempel out and do it properly this time. Cross all of your t’s and dot your i’s. Otherwise, it’ll be another international embarrassment.