As I’m the local fashion police (and food police and whatnot police, and just general know-it-all), I feel that it is my most solemn duty to inform my female readers about what they’re doing wrong with their appearance. Inspired by the sore sight on display at my local church, I can’t help but tell you that:
You don’t look classy, even when you’re dressed up.
Now, this actually isn’t a question of style, but of polish. You look messy, and slathering a layer of makeup on top of your mess is just putting lipstick on a pig. I’m not anti-makeup, although I am on record as being anti-can’t-leave-my-house-before-putting-my-face-on. But first things first.
As my ballet teacher once told me, you have to suffer to be beautiful. It takes effort to look effortless, so stop being lazy about it. Work on the foundation and you won’t need so much … foundation.
Therefore, I give you a list of:
Ten Things You Should Do Before Picking Up that Lipstick:
- You’re fat, so lose the weight. No, that baggy shirt you picked out isn’t fooling anyone because you’ve got chubby hands and puffy jowls. Also, circumference and waddle.
- You dress in sports clothes and don’t do sports. Generally speaking, people who wear “sports clothes” are fat and/or lazy. People who work out regularly feel comfortable in nicer clothes and take more care with their wardrobe. You’re not fooling anyone. If you want to wear them, at least earn the right by working out in them.
- You’re hairy. Most women are relatively good about shaving their legs, but I feel like attacking some of your faces with some bleach or hot wax. The only thing worse than having a lady ‘stache (or goatee or sideburns), is having one and leaving it.
- You don’t tame your brows. They’re just all over the place, or they’re connected in the middle or whatever. The point is that the eyes are the windows to the soul and your eyes have crooked shutters.
- Your skin is a mess. If, like me, your skin shows the fact that you’re a hormonal mess, you alternate sipping coffee and booze, and you’re not getting enough sleep, at least try to tame your facial horror show a bit. We don’t want your face to tell us about every joint you’ve ever smoked, every pill you ever popped, your tanning practices, and your bad habit of sleeping with your makeup on.
- Your hands and feet are not manicured/pedicured. This is a big no-no that is completely underrated. Men say that they don’t notice this, and some men don’t like nail polish, but all men (and all women, and all children, and everyone everywhere) reacts positively to well-cared for hands and smooth feet. A major part of looking classy is looking like you don’t do hard labor, so stop having washerwoman hands, even if you’re a washerwoman.
- Your hair is raggedy. I’m not saying short or long, curly or straight, light or dark, or anything. But those scraggly ends need to go. It looks gross, like your hair got sucked into the insinkerator.
- You wear the wrong colors. I was doing this for a while, and the result was… not pretty. Get your colors analyzed (by stylish friends or a professional consultant) and then try to stick to your range. I know you like the other colors, but they don’t like you. Really.
- You have too many clothes, so you always dress like a slob in frustration. It’s better to have a smaller selection of clothes that you really like and that look great on you, than to have a closet full of stuff you don’t wear. The former results in a classy, pulled-together daily look. The latter results in giving up and wearing the same-old jeans and t-shirt that you’ve worn every other day this week.
- You have ugly shoes. Some people’s shoes are downright offensive. I’m on record as being a flip-flop hater (not just because they’re ugly, but because they encourage people to dress-down overall), but some of the other shoes y’all are wearing are mannish, hideous, or just plain weird. I’m not saying you have to wear heels or strappy sandals, or whatever, but please… try harder. Please also remember that girls and young women look cute in ugly shoes because they are cute.
And now, if you really must, go put on that lipstick, girl. You’ve earned it.