Going out with a bang

Posted on August 6, 2013 by

So, this is my final post on TC for the foreseeable future. I’m already totally stressed out and busy, and I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m just repeating myself. Sometimes I think, “I should write a post about THIS!” and then I realize that I’ve already written a post about that. Twice. Nevermind.

But, since we all love a good rerun, and I don’t want to disappoint my fans, I’ve decided to go out with a bang by writing a post about sex. We’ve already covered food and fashion this week, so what else was I to write about on a blog called Traditional Christianity? The topic was obvious. The first post I wrote on my very first blog was about sex, so I’m going to be all traditional about it. Please also note the offensive and ambiguous title.

Obviously, this is going to take the form of a Top Ten List.

Top Ten Things Moderns Don’t Understand About Sex

  1. Some women don’t like cunnilingus. For some it’s painful, for some merely unpleasant, and a large minority just find it boring. There are men all over the West with unnecessarily swollen lips and exhausted tongues whose mates are just too embarrassed to admit that they’re wasting their time because sex-positive Christians will think they’re weird.
  2. Virgin sex isn’t as good, but virgins are usually too excited and happy about actually having sex to notice. By the time they find out that it actually gets better, they’ve forgotten the difference, and are just like, “Yay, sex!” I know this because I am a former virgin.
  3. If you take too long to cum, she’ll be less impressed than insulted. It’s like… show some enthusiasm, please. At some point she might ask you to stop or start trying to surreptitiously look at the clock. The problem is: How long is too long? If she’s glancing at the clock, it’s too long.
  4. If she’s not in the mood, alcohol lubricates better than K-Y.
  5. Men enjoy having sex with attractive women more than with unattractive ones, but they’ll take whatever they can get when they’re horny enough. If you want to do your husband a good turn (and you should, unless you’re a total jerk), try to be slender and well-groomed, and wear something sexy to bed. Just because a hungry man will eat slop for dinner, doesn’t mean you should serve it to him.
  6. If you have sex often enough, for long enough, with the same person, you eventually immediately think of that person whenever you think about sex. Secret of Marital Chastity.
  7. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
  8. The thing most women like best about sex is the fact that he thinks they’re hot. Women love attention, and sex is the ultimate form of male attention. Otherwise, why are women avidly posting naked selfies instead of agitating for sexbots?
  9. Men like to have sex primarily because they like having sex.  Also, knowing that a chick actually liked them enough to let them do something other than stare at her selfies.
  10. Your husband still thinks you’re hot, even if you’re not a 16 year-old virgin bride. But he wishes you’d stop chowing down on the donuts, that you’d shave your legs occasionally and put on those uncomfortable shoes he likes for the walk from the closet to the bed.

Peace out.